On Wednesday night, my best friend invited me to her school
to listen to Dr. Ginsberg speak. My friend and her colleagues went to Stanford
University 2 summers ago to an education conference and that is where they
heard him for the first time. They loved his message so much, the spent these
last 2 years raising money to get him to come to their school.
Dr. Ginsberg is a pediatrician as well as a Professor of
Pediatrics at the University Of Pennsylvania School Of Medicine. He also serves
as Director of Health Services at Covenant House Pennsylvania, an agency that
serves Philadelphia’s homeless and marginalized youth.
Dr. Ginsberg “works to translate the best of what is known
from research and practice into practical approaches parents, professionals and
communities can use to build resilience in children and teens”.
He has a great website called
Fostering Resilience if you want to read more about Dr. Ginsberg.
This is what I took away from the evening.
As an educator.
Perfectionism will destroy a students' success. The more we push
kids to get perfect scores and high GPA’s the more we are creating kids that
fear a B+, cannot think outside of the box,
have no creativity and resent constructive criticism. If all a student
is worried about is the grade then they will only do what it takes to get that
grade, no more, no less. Dr. Ginsberg explained this with research that was
done. A teacher had 2 classes, 1 class was continually told how smart they were
and the other class was praised for their hard work and effort. When the smart
class got the grade they needed and were praised for being smart, when asked to
do more and take more tests they declined. They did not want to do anymore
because they got what they needed and they feared losing that label and grade. The
class that was praised for their hard work and effort continually took tests
and worked hard and felt good about the work they did, not the grades they got.
In the end the kids that were labeled “smart” had over all grades that went
down by 20% and the kids that were labeled “hard workers” had grades that
increased by 20%.
As a parent.
We as parents should have unconditional love for our
children, not high expectations. We need to ask them how they are doing, not
what are they doing.
When it comes to school we need to praise the effort and
process rather than the results. We need to focus on their strengths. If their
effort did not produce the grade you hoped for then rather than nag you need to
talk to the child about how they feel about their effort preparing for that
test. If the child feels like they did everything they could then you need to
praise their effort, but at the same time try to get them to figure out if
there is any more they could do for the next test. It is important that the
child owns their thoughts, they must figure out if there is something else or
more they can do. Once they own it, they will do it, but if you tell them what
they need to do, they don’t buy into it and they will do it but because it wasn’t
their idea it probably won’t make that much of a difference.
A big reason for so many bad test takers (aside from those
kids and parents that really just don’t care) is the child is so nervous or
anxious about disappointing their parents with a bad grade the anxiety within their
body takes over and their mind does not work to its full capacity. You see, it
is the emphasis on the grade that is causing the child to do so poorly. Dr.
Ginsberg explained it like this. Your body was made for flight in stressful,
anxious situations, your heart beats faster, your blood pumps faster and your
body prepares you to run and your mind does not have time to think. Being anxious
in a testing situation your body reacts in the same way, but instead of running
you are confined to your seat and you demand your brain to work, which it does, but
not to its fullest potential.
We as parents need to help our children not be so stressed
out about grades.
We can also help our children to cope with that anxiety and
stress by teaching them how to relax (deep breathing, clearing the mind, etc.),
making sure they eat healthy foods and get enough sleep (if they have hours of
homework you give them a time limit and you praise the effort, not the grade –
easier said than done!), take instant vacations (go for a quick walk, take them
for ice cream, read a book for pleasure, etc.), contribute to the world
(volunteer or simply help a neighbor). This is interesting too, contributing to
the world. Many times teenagers are considered not nice or delinquent by others
because they “seem” that way. If you have your teenager start helping out, they
are then surrounded by “thank yous” and the knowledge that help is a good
positive thing which in turn has 2 different results. One, the teenager is not
looked at as a delinquent but a “good kid” and two, when he is an adult if the
time comes for him to need help he will be more willing to ask and graciously receive
that help.
And lastly, it is a child’s job to push you away, always.
When they were a year and starting to walk, they would struggle out of your
arms so they could do it. When they are in 4th and 5th
grade they push your hugs and kisses away because it is embarrassing. When they
are in middle school they push you away because you are embarrassing. When they
are 16 they push you away because now they can drive themselves. Dr. Ginsberg
says they push you away because you love them so much that it makes them
uncomfortable, but deep down they need you to keep being there and trying to
give them hugs and kisses and rides. If your kids are pushing you away, they are
doing exactly what they are supposed to.
There was so much more to his talk that was so wonderful, I
could go on and on, but I think what I mentioned were the points that really
hit home with me.
Dr. Ginsberg has a few books that I think would be
worth reading if any of the above hit a chord with you and your students or own
children.
This week, I can say, I was completely Inspired!
Best,
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